It’s time for the quote of the week! It feels like cheating to use a quote I’ve definitely posted here in a whole review before. And I don’t know if I should do this on this nice & lighthearted blog, but I want to talk a bit about anger. These quotes of the week are getting darker and darker, all because of Holly Black. Not at all, but I’ve had periods where I’ve been very angry. Basically I’m angry all the time, in varying degrees. Mostly I’m angry at my own body, for not working properly #chronicillnessproblems. Like you got to be able to be angry at yourself for not being able to walk all of a sudden one day, and that’s me this whole week.

*This blog post is brought to you by another heavy week of trying to find out if I have arthritis or another connective tissue disorder, you are warned*

Also, I was at the hospital two times this week and they had made an (half-hearted possibly) initiative for patients and their families to write notes with “things they considered important at the hospital” to better it. I wrote two of my own, and hanging mine up I noticed so many of the others also saying “to be listened to” that I got angry right there. 

This is a good point to say that I am in real life a calm and collected person, if a bit introverted. I am nineteen years old and really aware of how I interact with people and trying not to bring so much negativity and anger into that. Anger isn’t good, but it does get you to act and think (in that order), it’s better than absoloutly nothing which too often seem to be the alternative. In the quote the main character soon walks out and makes choices that leads to a lot of deaths, so I want to distance myself from that thoughtprocess. But I’ve definitely been there with “fuck consequences, I am done caring about how you see me right now”.

I really relate to people not realizing how angry I am, which is good most of the time. Until I am angry in a doctors office and they continue to talk down to me. When I get angry I get tears in my eyes from holding it all back, like all muscles are tense from not running or yelling and I am literally crying. Confuses a lot of adults, my whole life. Where were I going with this? Sometimes you have to be careful who the anger gets released at, maybe this doctor isn’t the doctor/person that deserves it. I think here’s where the “give up on regrets” comes in. I rarely let my anger out at people randomly, but the few times it happens I’ve wondered how I was able to get back from being in that state of pure fury. I am not sure I was able to before I had some kind of closure with the problem behind it. Maybe that’s why I am angry now, I let myself be angry at things I cannot change or figure out right now.

In the end, anger is what has gotten me places the fastest, which I find disheartening. As a nineteen year old I can come with as fitting arguments as I please, but if a mind is made up, I am usually too easy to brush off with no consequences to that person. And when it’s in a doctors office, it’s even worse, because it will have detrimental effects to me and I know it. I’m good at arguing, in debates at school and outside, because I’ve had to since being a sick kid in doctors and teacher offices, always with a lot on the line. And if you care enough, at some point anger seems to be expected. I hope not, because I find it sad and the recipe for turning people bitter, but I’ve seen people yelling getting so much further than playing nice. At the same time I am in too many of these hospital offices each month to lose it at every one and still stay sane.

Why do people react to anger so weirdly? I guess it makes sense that you don’t want to see a person sad, but you definitely don’t want them angry because then it might have consequences for them. So then things get solved. I have a love hate relationship with that quiet anger that can be a driving force behind things, and I think I will continue to have it for a while.